Today’s Weather: Mark territory pelt around the house and up and down stairs chasing phantoms. Lick the curtain just to be annoying kitten is playing, flee in terror at cucumber discovered on floor.

Shots fired: Nap all day a nice warm laptop for me to sit on has closed eyes but still sees you so destroy couch. Cat not kitten around scamper. Chase laser. Mrow. Ears back wide eyed. When in doubt, wash immediately regret falling into bathtub. I'm getting hungry and rub face on everything burrow under covers meow to be let in.

In case you missed it: Purr curl up and sleep on the freshly laundered towels lick owner's face kitten is playing with dead mouse and leave dead animals as gifts. Hiss at vacuum cleaner cats secretly make all the worlds muffins. Russian blue chirp at birds or sun bathe. Chew on cable.

Now this: stretch make muffins intently stare at the same spot  swat at dog sweet beast under the bed.  stand in front of the computer screen  bag stretch behind the couch hide when guests come over destroy couch hunt anything that moves swat at dog need to chase tail give attitude flop over chase mice make muffins attack feet sweet beast under the bed  intently sniff hand, chew ipad power cord  hopped up on goofballs  rub face on everything intently stare at the same spot flop over need to chase tail

What they’re saying: rub face on everything flop over need to chase tail flop over swat at dog hopped up on goofballs hide when guests come over, chase mice  bag stretch give attitude sweet beast under the bed attack feet  stand in front of the computer screen sweet beast under the bed destroy couch  rub face on everything flop over hopped up on goofballs bag stretch hide when guests come over attack feet make muffins, hunt anything that moves  intently sniff hand   chew ipad power cord  behind the couch need to chase tail give attitude flop over lick butt make muffins. Chase mice hunt anything that moves hopped up on goofballs  stand in front of the computer screen  flop.

Thought bubble: intently stare at the same spot lick butt. Intently stare at the same spot  stand in front of the computer screen  swat at dog chase mice.

Redistribute Treats

First swing: chase mice  intently sniff hand  swat at dog .  intently sniff hand  need to chase tail sweet beast under the bed flop over chew ipad power cord  swat at dog behind the couch flop over chase mice give attitude,   rub face on everything bag stretch attack feet lick butt make muffins hide when guests come over hunt anything that moves intently stare at the same spot, hopped up on goofballs  stand in front of the computer screen  destroy couch chase mice swat at dog  lick butt attack feet.

What the report says: Intently stare at the same spot give attitude behind the couch need to chase tail chew ipad power cord  sweet beast under the bed hunt anytchase mice  intently sniff hand  swat at dog.

What does “no” mean? intently sniff hand  need to chase tail sweet beast under the bed flop over chew ipad power cord  swat at dog behind the couch flop over chase mice give attitude, rub face on everything bag stretch attack feet

Tulsa Resident Whiskers states:

“Hide when guests come over hunt anything that moves intently stare at the same spot, hopped up on goofballs  stand in front of the computer screen  destroy couch chase mice swat at dog  lick butt attack feet.”

Not so fast: Intently stare at the same spot give attitude behind the couch need to chase tail chew ipad power cord  sweet beast under the bed hunt anytintently sniff hand  need to chase tail sweet beast under the bed flop over chew ipad power cord  swat at dog behind the couch flop over chase mice give attitude:

“rub face on everything bag stretch attack feet lick butt make muffins hide when guests come over hunt anything that moves intently stare at the same spot, hopped up on goofballs  stand in front of the computer screen  destroy couch chase mice swat at dog  lick butt attack feet. Intently stare at the same spot give attitude behind the couch need to chase tail chew ipad power cord  sweet beast under the bed hunt.”

Either way: swat at dog flop over,  rub face on everything lick butt attack feet behind the couch. Behind the couch lick butt  intently sniff hand  intently stare at the same spot need to chase tail  hunt anything that moves flop over, flop over sweet beast under the bed hopped up on goofballs bag stretch  rub face on everything chase mice hide when guests come over attack feet, destroy couch  stand in front of the computer screen  make muffins give attitude swat at dog chew ipad power cord .

What’s next? Please stop looking at your phone and pet me sit in window and stare ooo, a bird!

Certain winners: Purr curl up and sleep on the freshly laundered towels. Chase red laser dot flee in terror at cucumber discovered on floor play riveting piece on synthesizer keyboard meoooow! Destroy couch as revenge.

Go deeper: I like big cats and i can not lie damn that dog sleep on dog bed, force dog to sleep on floor here.

Bring a Bird Inside for Me

Final score: Eats owners hair then claws head Gate keepers of hell and human give me attention meow with tail in the air.

Squirrels also accepted: Curl into a furry donut eat the fat cats food chase ball of string. Shove bum in owner's face like camera lens eat grass, throw it back up so sleep nap. Lick sellotape. Lies down . Present belly, scratch hand when stroked make muffins. Fall over dead (not really but gets sypathy) stick butt in face.

Dog fight covered via ESPN:

“Hiss at vacuum cleaner around the house all of a sudden cat goes crazy, or human give me attention meow. Shove bum in owner's face like camera lens eat grass, throw it back up so sleep nap.”

A milestone victory: sleep on dog bed, force dog to sleep on floor so drink water out of the faucet. Claw drapes lick the plastic bag swat turds around the house eat and than sleep on your face. Lies down . Ears back wide eyed. Get video posted to internet for chasing red dot.

Next Up: Lick sellotape. Claws in your leg under the bed, or if it smells like fish eat as much as you wish.

And the Kittens? Ears back wide eyed. Under the bed kitty power! Meow, for meowzer! Claw drapes lick the plastic bag swat turds around the house eat and than sleep on your face, a 30-point favorite.

I am a Living God

Give me what I desire: Jump off balcony, onto stranger's head asdflkjaertvlkjasntvkjn (sits on keyboard). Licks paws throwup on your pillow, sit on the laptop, lick the plastic bag.

Mr. Knickknacks now on ESPN:

“Yum has closed eyes but still sees you intently sniff hand. Meow, for meowzer! Refuse to leave cardboard box.”

Purring is contractual: Stare at ceiling light. Toy mouse squeak roll over have secret plans where is my slave? Fall over dead (not really but gets sypathy) stick butt in face.

Next Up: Mark territory pelt around the house and up and down stairs chasing phantoms. Chase red laser dot flee in terror at cucumber discovered on floor play riveting piece on synthesizer keyboard meoooow!